Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Sometimes you are ready for them. Other times it hits you so hard in the face, that you can't see straight. You can't even tell if it's painful at first because of the shock of the impact. Then the pain comes. The tears. The confusion. The anger. All of them mingling together until you just don't know what you feel. This is where life finds me today. Waffling between sadness and shock, anger and confusion. I just don't know...what to feel.
A friend took her life yesterday. She'd been struggling for a very long time with physical ailments, as well as emotional issues. She left behind two very beautiful, incredible teenage girls. When I found out, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. The emotions were deep, but I didn't know what to do with them. I still don't. So many thoughts went through me, I couldn't even keep track.
My bible study this morning was on Joseph. How he met the cupbearer and the baker in the prison. He interpreted their dreams, and he asked the cupbearer to remember him when the dream came to pass...but the cupbearer didn't remember. In his elation to return to the king and his life, he didn't remember Joseph and his assistance, his unjust imprisonment. Here is an excerpt from my study:
"We forget others. Others forget us. But God never forgets us. Sometimes we forget that God never forgets us. But He never does. At precisely the right time, God would cause the cupbearer to remember Joseph."
God never forgets...but my failing of forgetting is haunting me today. I didn't see her. I forgot. I knew she had many issues, and I saw her failing. I would try to be there for the girls, to fill a gap, to mentor them. But, I admit, I was angry with her. I have thought to myself many times, why can't she just get her act together and take care of them? Aren't they what's important? And even now, they never saw it that way. Through all of it, they saw the best in her and were fiercely protective of her. I stopped reaching out to her. I even blocked her on Facebook because I was sick of seeing her complain and only think of herself. Last night, I went to her page. I saw she'd been reaching out. She had posted some stuff about suicide. Said things were really tough. Tuesday night, her last post, asked if anyone out there wanted to talk...nobody responded. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I forgot her. I didn't see her cry for help. But I will do best to learn from this. To reach out more. I will be there for her girls. I pray that they will be Josephs, not letting this world's troubles embitter them, but empower them. That they will seek Him, love Him, trust Him fully.
God's word is there for us. He teaches us and comforts us. One nugget from my study that gives me hope on this dark day is this: "The amazing life-giving news in all of our forgetfulness is that God never forgets us! He is always working in our lives for our good and His glory, no matter our circumstances." Amen and amen. I will hold to that encouragement today, and in the many days and weeks to come.