Remembering...

If you had asked me even a year ago what October the 15th was, I would not have had any idea. Yet, today, this year, it has great significance for me. Two sweet friends let me know that they had thought of me today in an extra special way. Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I can't tell you how many times over the last few months that I've had to mentally shake myself and literally count my blessings - including this sweet, rainbow shaded one I'm carrying right now - just so I didn't break down in a heap and lose myself in grief...as much as I love and feel for and have sincerely prayed for and with those dear friends who have gone through such a loss, I know I never truly understood the despair. The agony. The fake smile below tear brimmed eyes. Until I dealt with them myself. It is an empathy I wish I did not have to have, but I know that God is using me to be a blessing to others through it.

Am I glad we lost Cat? Of course not! But I hold tightly to the Lord's promises. He loves me. He loves all my babies. And He has blessed my life in so many uncountable ways. He is good. It's hard to put into words, but to know that Cat being in heaven with Jesus has given us the blessing of knowing Cadie soon...is beautiful. I will hold Cat one day. I will know her intimately, and we will spend eternity together. Will the pain lessen over time? I'm told so. Will Cadie take Cat's place? Never. But she will always be a reminder that though she is our sixth blessing on earth, she is truly our seventh - number six is in Heaven. I know there will be times (because it's already happened, and oh, the pain it caused!) when I miscount when I am in a hurry to get the kids in the car...1,2,3,4,5,6...who's missing? Oh, wait...she is right where she is meant to be.
So for all my friends who have lost a baby, whether before or after birth, I share your pain. You do not walk alone. We will carry on. We will not forget our sweet ones. But we will live more abundant lives...for them.