Thursday, December 17, 2009

No real subject. just need to vent. Sorry for the rant. Don't even bother reading this, it won't make sense to you. Well, maybe one of you will get it, but my apologies to the rest of you. I'm warning you now, to not waste your time, because it is truly nonsensical and just getting my frustrations out so I don't actually let words come out of my mouth that I will regret later...
please disregard all typos and such, because i'm not in the mood. I dont get why I have to - no wait. that is not how I want to start.
I don't know how to be the bigger person. I try. I really do. But every time my featheres get ruffled, I can only sit there for so long befor I start squawking. I know that's not going to make sense to most, but I just don't know how to get this off my chest in a decent way withough bfeeling bad later. I just want to hid in a hole and be an only child or an orphan or both. It's so hard to be a family member in this family sometimes. I feel like I'm so very different from them and they never understand my perspective. that I have to apologize forwho I am, and for who my kids are. Why???? Noone else have to apologize for who they are, or for who their children are. So why are mine picked out like this?/??? I don't feel like I favor my kids over the others. On the contrary, I feel like I look over MANY events so save one from the yelling from his parents.
I under stand my oldest so well. I don't always agree with his behavior, or approve of it. But I see myslef in him. He wantes everything to be fair, he wants to explain/justify his every move and every decision. When sometimes jus a simple apology will make everything better. It usually meands justice and fairness will be ignored, but at least peace would be restored for a (very) short time. I'm the same way. I want every minute detail accounted for, every step of the process noted, then we can get down to business. His "Yes, ma'am, but..." that gets him in trougble even with me me. His desire to explain his side comes across as back talk or disrespect, when I know it's not intended to be. I know this because I was exactly the same way. On the other hand, I know I should tell hime to respect whatever adult is getting on to hime by just aplolgizing, but his tendency to want fairness and justice is so like me, that I find it hard not to listen.
She basically said tonight that mine get away with everything and use hers as the fallguy. That they pick on him and bully him and get away with it. Really? So why does this not come up in other relationships? I don't have any of the people who are with them the MOST say anything remotely like this. And what's worse, when HE backed her up! Was I surprised? NO, not at all. Did it hurt? Heck, yeah, it did. If we could have a moment where he praised or complimented me or any of my kids, I think I would seriously have a heart attack. I flat out said, it didn't matter the situation, I'd be the bad one (or my kids would be) every time in his AND her mind.
I know a lot of the problem is the way we've let our kids play. DH is SUPER into roughousing and wrestling. It almost always ends up in tears. Do I approve? Of course not. Would I rather they play quietly and safely? Definitely. But I'm glad he plays with them at all, so I try not to complain too much. I know the boys get rowdy, and somebody usually ends up hurt. But if it's mine, I tell them to suck it up. If it's somebody else's, I look like the parent with the unruly kids. 9 times out of 10, though, it's one of mine hurt. So what do I do?
I sat them all down tonight at bedtime and talked to them about respect. Respect for adults and respect for your friends. It's not a good quality trait, and not very Christian to look at every situation and think about self-preservation first. About not having to justify yourself all the time and simply apologizing. I hope it sinks in. I am so not looking forward to the 28th now, though. I let her vent and hopefully she feels better. I for one don't. :(

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