Remember...

Eight years and 24 hours ago, I way sitting up in bed nursing my 4-day-old infant. For some odd reason, Kelly had gotten up and turned the tv on in our bedroom before heading out to the living room. He was off for the week to settle our new little one into our family and home. I wasn't paying much attention. It was on the Today Show, I think, not exactly sure. I was just sitting there counting toes and fingers and cooing softly when everything in my small, safe little world changed.

There was a lot of commotion and noise coming from the tv. I looked up, curious but not worried, and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"Kelly?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Are you watching this?"

"No, I'm shaving. What is it?"

"I think a plane just hit one of the Twin Towers in New York."

"Whoa!! Really?! That's gonna be a mess. I wonder what happened to the pilot?" As we sat there watching the coverage and surmising a heart attack or seizure, the next plane hit.

I screeched. We immediately knew this was no accident. Kelly ran for the phone to call my then brother-in-law, Jim and sister, Ange, who were military. He dialed and threw the phone at me.

"Ange, what is going on?? Have you been notified yet??"

Still half asleep, she mumbled, "Huh? what are you talking about?"

I told her to turn her tv on, Jim would be getting a call soon, I was sure of it. She did so and started yelling for Jim to get in there and watch with her. We were both crying by now, Connor in my arms and my nieces a thousand miles away snuggled in bed with their mama. While we were on the phone, the base went into lockdown. This was not 10 minutes after the 2nd plane had hit. Jim was in full action mode by this point. She had to get off the phone. I was terrified to sever the connection, not knowing when I'd get to talk to her again.

Ariel arrived pretty soon after. She was coming to help me with Connor, but we decided we had to get out of the house. I had had no intention of leaving my house, having just gotten home from the hospital less than 2 days ago. But I couldn't just sit there, either.

We headed to town. We got off I-44 and traffic was atrocious. We didn't understand the implications of what was going on. Cars were everywhere, 20 deep, in line for fuel. When we got into Wal Mart, people were stockpiling worse than they had for Y2K. I was more scared than ever. Ariel took me home pretty quickly.

It was Casey's birthday. That evening, Phoebe brought his birthday cake over to our house and we sat in my living room eating cake and watching coverage. I was so upset. And scared. And angry.

I just kept looking at Connor. I kept thinking, What have we done? What kind of world have we brought this innocent child into? How will I ever keep him safe?

I have never had such an earthshaking experience in my life. I almost regretted having him. Not because I didn't love him. Exactly the opposite. I loved him so very much that I couldn't bear the thought of him living here in this fallen world where evil seemed to be winning and gaining ground every day. My faith was being tested beyond anything I could imagine.

Every parent will remember those first few weeks of parenthood. The feelings of love, of uncertainty, wondering if you'll be able to do everything - or anything - right, the sleeplessness, and on and on. Now imagine all that on top of all this. Postpartum depression doesn't even begin to describe what I was going through.

Connor had his days and nights mixed up within a few days. I would be up at 2am, 3am, 4:30am. We didn't have cable. But we had TBN! Now, for those of you who know me, don't judge me! I will tell you now that it was a shock to me, but am nonetheless thankful for it. Benny Hinn was on every time I turned that tv on!

And it was not the Benny Hinn that I was familiar with, the one I would have typically turned off. He wasn't jumping around yelling. He wasn't hitting people in the head to heal them, and there weren't dozens wailing in the aisles. He was sitting in a chair and reading the Bible...to me. He was addressing my fears. He was calming my spirit. I truly believe that my Father was using this man and speaking through him. I was desperate to hear the Lord tell me it was going to be fine. That Connor would be fine. That I would be fine. That America would be fine. I needed that more than anything else, and He did that.

Satan had gotten a foothold in those first few days of turmoil and emotion. But I could feel my faith being renewed as I sat there and reached for my bible. I had let my fears take over, and my faith to take a back seat. I hadn't been seeking answers, really. And I know there were no good answers to be found here on earth. But my Father had the answers. He would heal our land. And He still will.

I trust God with all that I have and with all that I am. I am so very proud of my country. The United States may not be perfect, but it is in fact the greatest nation in the world. I believe that we can raise up a generation of Americans who fear God and honor their country. And remember those who sacrificed for them. I am so thankful for the military and service men and women that I know, and for those that I don't know. Volunteers, medical professionals, military, misssionaries, government officials: I pray for all of them, and I am teaching my children to do so, also.

I want them to always remember. I will always remember.

School days

So week 4 of the school year is officially under way. After a 3 day weekend and a full day of co op, I was terrified that today would be a disaster. Not so - actually, not even close! It was rainy and gray outside, a perfect day to hide under the covers. Well, we did just that. Every book we are in the middle of right now, we took to my bed. Four children, five pillows, six books and one very cramped mama snuggled in and enjoyed some excellent literature. We stayed that way for over an hour. Awesome! We couldn't stay there all day, but it was nice while it lasted. :D

I'm pleased with how the year is going. I will admit, I was pretty anxious about this school year, more so than in the past. I didn't know how I would possibly balance all 3 kids' workloads AND keep a very busy toddler occupied. I didn't see how I could even hope to keep up with housework - not that I've ever been good at that, but still! Amazingly enough, we're doing well. Sure, the floor needs mopped. Yes, there are still a few grumbles and even a few tears every once in a while. But for the most part, we are balancing it all pretty well.

Canon is the one who is shocking me daily. I honestly didn't intend to do a full kindergarten curriculum with him this year. I figured he'd protest having to sit and do deskwork, and I didn't expect him to really be interested in learning to read yet. Boy, am I glad to say he has proved me wrong! He's a machine! Every new thing I introduce him to, he loves. He is excited to learn, and he wants more! He always asks to do another page, even when I told him only one was necessary. The only thing he balks at is coloring - go figure! :D

Chloe and Connor are doing great, too. Connor had a little setback with one of his language arts workbooks (which I didn't realize was listed as a 4th grade workbook - oops!), but we're working through that. One thing I was hoping for this year was for him to set aside a quiet time for bible reading on his own. Let's just say we are still working on it! He's really enjoying math this year, multiplication is going well. He has mastered the 0's, 1's, 2's, 5's and 10's. Pretty good for 3 weeks, I thought. And of course he is dying to have some science projects - I promised I wouldn't put those off like I did last year. ;P

Chloe is just a great student. As long as I can keep her focused, she is wonderful. She would much rather take her notebook and go write songs and poems all day, but she does get down to work when I insist on it. I'm trying hard to encourage the writing she loves to do, but it's so very hard for me not to critique! Her phonetic spelling is just glaring at me when I read her songs, and I'm biting my tongue for all I'm worth so I don't start making corrections immediately. She loves to write, and made me feel bad this summer when she made me promise not to "grade" her poem before she would let me read it! :D

All in all, off to a good start. Keep us in your prayers, and I'll keep you posted! Blessings!

Connor's birthday

Eight years ago tonight, I held my hopes, dreams and future in my very tired arms. But I didn't sleep. Not for hours. I just held my newborn son, Robert Connor Quinn, and felt a peace and joy that I couldn't even imagine 24 hours earlier.

Kelly and I had tried for 3 years to have a baby. When we finally stopped trying and started trusting God's timing, He blessed us with this boy. This amazing, beautiful boy. The firstborn is unlike any other child. Not your favorite, of course not. But there is no feeling like holding your first baby. Watching his first step. Hearing his first words. Seeing his first wide-eyed wonders. It's like holding your heart in your hands.

I can't believe he is 8 today. He is ornery, feisty, sarcastic, challenging. He is also loving, curious, cuddly, sensitive. Growing and changing everyday, and in way too much of a hurry to do so. But he is also desperate to stay a little boy close to Mama's side. I watch him and see some of my best qualities in him. And also some of my worst. I look at him and see his father, and my father. So many amazing things rolled into one irreplaceable child, who I know the Lord has such a special plan for.

Happy birthday, my love, my boy, my firstborn.